...But In Everything...

The words danced around on my tongue again, knocking against my teeth, trying to escape. But again, they were locked inside. Frustrated, they turned to wage war against my mind. This was nothing new…it was slowly becoming routine. As I drove home, questions ravaged my thoughts until finally, in the early hours of the morning, they came to the same answer they had the night before: now is not the time. Tears flooded my eyes as sadness began to creep in, leaving only one question: how long…? It was one I could not answer.

The next morning I awoke with my heart still in a fog. Throughout the day I tried to push the feelings aside, but little reminders waited around every corner, making it almost impossible to ignore them. On the outside I forced a smile, but inside I was falling apart. I knew I couldn’t hold it in any longer, so I retreated to my bedroom as I fought back tears. Lord, why do I have to wait so long? Why can’t I know Your plan now? My heart was breaking as I buried my face in my hands and cried. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard.

As my emotions drained, and the room became still, a verse came to mind. Philippians 4:6-7 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

The tears stopped, and a new understanding came over me as those verses sank into my soul. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything…let your requests be made known unto God…and the peace of God…shall keep your hearts and minds…


I still ask questions – but I can live without the answers.

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm
~Praise You In This Storm, by Casting Crowns

It's All Right

The minutes passed as I stared blankly at the computer screen. I could feel the gears of my mind slowing down, exhausted from getting nowhere. One hour left to finish three projects. I could do it. Sending assignments in late two weeks in a row was not an option…I was determined to finish. After saying a prayer, and asking God to write through me, I expectantly waited for words to flow. He had done it before, countless times, and I knew He would do it again. Right?

An hour came and went. Two hours came and went. Three hours…gone. And still, I had three projects to finish. It’s funny how foggy your head feels after 3:00am. I knew I was not going to finish anything by depriving my body of rest, so I climbed into bed. I had failed. As I pulled the covers over my head I wondered why God hadn’t helped me this time. There had to be a reason. Right?

There have only been a couple times in my life where I thought something and knew it was from God. Lying there in my bed, buried under the covers, I felt God speak to my heart. He reminded me of a truth He has been patiently teaching me over the last seven months. He said, “Not finishing your assignments on time doesn’t change who you are. Right?”

Ah! I understood. When I asked Him to help me finish my projects, I was asking Him to help me do something. But that’s not what He’s been trying to tell me. He wants me to BE His handiwork, not DO my handiwork. My worth in His eyes is not tied to my worth in my own eyes. Failing to turn assignments in on time is not failing God. Nothing I do makes Him love me more, and nothing I don’t do makes Him love me less. He loves me because I am His and He is mine. Right!!!

What Holds You Back?

I slowed to a stop and gently put the car into park. I had looked forward to this moment for eleven weeks now. My hands still in the 10 and 2 o’clock position, I could feel the excitement pumping in my ears. A click signaled the latch disengaging in the car door and I pushed it open. The cool spring breeze guided me toward the church. After such a long wait, I couldn’t believe this day had come. Youth group had started again! As I walked into the youth room and flopped onto the couch, a rush of emotions came over me. I knew I belonged here and nowhere else. I was officially home.

You know the line from the Counting Crows song “Big Yellow Taxi” that says “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone”? As I sat on the couch with my friends surrounding me, that idea ran through my head, but a slightly different version. It was more like, “I missed these people, but I didn’t realize how much I missed them until I got them back and saw what I had been missing!” I felt pieces of my heart knitting back together that I didn’t know I had left behind.

As Daniel began to write on the dry-erase board, I could feel God preparing my spirit for deeper insight into my relationship with Him and my current circumstances. By this time, I had become accustomed to the calm before the storm and I found myself actually getting excited. The words on the board jumped at me, throwing a smile on my face. They read, “What holds you back?” O, the thoughts I had when first reading that question! People throughout the room gave various answers: fear, other people, etc. Although those are all things that tend to hold us back, Daniel decided to talk about how our name, more specifically, our reputation holds us back. He made the point that the things we do and say are often influenced by how we want people to perceive us or how we think they expect us to act in a given situation.

Does my name hold me back? Or is something else standing in the way? This required some soul searching. So I reasoned with myself.

*The following is the conversation that transpired in Dana’s head as she pondered the question “What holds you back?”*

Me: “Is your name what’s holding you back?”

Myself: “Holding me back from what?”

I: “…The lesson was about what holds you back from living…”

Me: “Ok, what holds you back from living?”

Myself: “Well, what do you mean by living?”

Me: “…What did it say in that song ‘Live Like You’re Dyin’’ by Tim McGraw that Daniel played?”

I: “It said ‘I went skydivin’, I went rocky mountain climbin’, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu…”

Myself: “What holds me back from skydiving and riding a bull?? Not enough money!”

I: “There is more to the song than that! The rest of the chorus goes like this ‘And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I’ve been denying. And he said someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dyin’.”

Me: “This helps. What does it mean to live…? Ok, live like you were dying…saying everything you’ve always wanted to say and doing the things you’ve always wanted to do…”

I: “Yes, this is good. Now we’re getting somewhere!”

Me: “Ok, here is the real question! What would you say and do if you were dying?
What holds you back from doing the things you really want to do? What holds you back from telling what is in your heart and showing people how you truly feel? If doing that is living, then what holds you back from living? Is it your name, your reputation?”

Myself: “Honestly, no. What people will think of me doesn’t really stop me from doing or saying much of anything.”

Me: “Well, if your name doesn’t hold you back, what does?”

Me, Myself, and I: “Timing…”

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.”
~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8