What Holds You Back?

I slowed to a stop and gently put the car into park. I had looked forward to this moment for eleven weeks now. My hands still in the 10 and 2 o’clock position, I could feel the excitement pumping in my ears. A click signaled the latch disengaging in the car door and I pushed it open. The cool spring breeze guided me toward the church. After such a long wait, I couldn’t believe this day had come. Youth group had started again! As I walked into the youth room and flopped onto the couch, a rush of emotions came over me. I knew I belonged here and nowhere else. I was officially home.

You know the line from the Counting Crows song “Big Yellow Taxi” that says “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone”? As I sat on the couch with my friends surrounding me, that idea ran through my head, but a slightly different version. It was more like, “I missed these people, but I didn’t realize how much I missed them until I got them back and saw what I had been missing!” I felt pieces of my heart knitting back together that I didn’t know I had left behind.

As Daniel began to write on the dry-erase board, I could feel God preparing my spirit for deeper insight into my relationship with Him and my current circumstances. By this time, I had become accustomed to the calm before the storm and I found myself actually getting excited. The words on the board jumped at me, throwing a smile on my face. They read, “What holds you back?” O, the thoughts I had when first reading that question! People throughout the room gave various answers: fear, other people, etc. Although those are all things that tend to hold us back, Daniel decided to talk about how our name, more specifically, our reputation holds us back. He made the point that the things we do and say are often influenced by how we want people to perceive us or how we think they expect us to act in a given situation.

Does my name hold me back? Or is something else standing in the way? This required some soul searching. So I reasoned with myself.

*The following is the conversation that transpired in Dana’s head as she pondered the question “What holds you back?”*

Me: “Is your name what’s holding you back?”

Myself: “Holding me back from what?”

I: “…The lesson was about what holds you back from living…”

Me: “Ok, what holds you back from living?”

Myself: “Well, what do you mean by living?”

Me: “…What did it say in that song ‘Live Like You’re Dyin’’ by Tim McGraw that Daniel played?”

I: “It said ‘I went skydivin’, I went rocky mountain climbin’, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu…”

Myself: “What holds me back from skydiving and riding a bull?? Not enough money!”

I: “There is more to the song than that! The rest of the chorus goes like this ‘And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I’ve been denying. And he said someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dyin’.”

Me: “This helps. What does it mean to live…? Ok, live like you were dying…saying everything you’ve always wanted to say and doing the things you’ve always wanted to do…”

I: “Yes, this is good. Now we’re getting somewhere!”

Me: “Ok, here is the real question! What would you say and do if you were dying?
What holds you back from doing the things you really want to do? What holds you back from telling what is in your heart and showing people how you truly feel? If doing that is living, then what holds you back from living? Is it your name, your reputation?”

Myself: “Honestly, no. What people will think of me doesn’t really stop me from doing or saying much of anything.”

Me: “Well, if your name doesn’t hold you back, what does?”

Me, Myself, and I: “Timing…”

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.”
~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8